Monday, November 30, 2009


This blog is very personal to me and is written, deep within my soul.

First off...I personally feel that the holiday we should be celebrating the most, Thanksgiving, gets lost between Halloween and Christmas. It seems to me, that day just seems to get swept under the rug, so to speak. I have many things to be thankful for. I am a one year + brain tumor survivor...have a wonderful Mom, who I love very much.

Now, it seems that the Christmas music starts playing in the stores earlier each year and the decorations are up not much after Halloween or even before. It's simply just too early!
Some of the plain facts that I want to bring out here is...that the holidays in general, can be a very distressing time for some. For many, it is a constant reminder of loved ones who are no longer with us. Another fact, there is a lot more loneliness experienced at this time, especially with those that are house bound. : (

I write this for myself, as much as anybody. I have lived alone for over 28 years, but don't kid yourself, I get very lonely during the holidays.

I have actually had people tell me, they just wished they could sleep through Christmas and wake up on New Years Day! I understand how they feel.

It's a very hectic time for many. It's an extremely busy time for me at my place of employment. Everyone, trying to get everything done before the year's end.

I have tried to eliminate some of this stress, by making things as easy as possible. I am continuing in the tradition of my sister...who died, in giving to charities. So you see, I wasn't out there with all those bargain hunters on Black Friday!

Another thing that I no longer do is send out Christmas cards. I have 2 very valid reasons. 1.) The postage is just too high and 2.) Nothing irritates me more than just receiving a card with a signed name...many times that being an engraved one at that. You can email just as easily and even use decorative stationery besides.

If sending cards is your thing, my hats off to you.

If you like to decorate your home and put lights outside, I think that is great. It just doesn't make sense for me, because I spend Christmas with my Mom. It's all just a way of making it easier for me, as I live a much different lifestyle now.

We all have our own ways of celebrating..and that is wonderful. I really think that it's all for the children..seeing their faces...when they open up their packages. I really enjoyed this, when I was a child.

I fear that many get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everything that has to be done...that the true meaning is lost.

Another thing you can do if you are hosting a party, don't be shy about asking your guests for help in bringing certain items, etc. You should be able to enjoy the party as well.

You can also decide to just bake a few goodies. Why must we have all this stress put upon us? We think everything has to be decorating, sending out, going to parties. If this is your thing...God Bless You! It's just not possible for me anymore. I just get way too fatigued, you see, I also have a full time job. I know many of you do too...but I also have a new challenge in my life. I am still recovering from brain surgery.

It's all part of the NEW NORMAL ME...and I have nothing to be ashamed of here.
I'm not a complete GRINCH though. I like to watch holiday movies and listen to Christmas music, just not so early in the year. I used to go caroling and sang in many Christmas cantatas...but that's just not possible anymore. You see...I can't tolerate loud noises, as everything seems magnified since my brain surgery.

So this whole holiday thing is much more distressing to me, than before.

I want to sum this up by saying...enjoy your holidays, or at least try to. Do what works for you. Don't feel guilty because you can't do everything. It's just not necessary to put all that pressure upon yourself.

Before you know it, this will all be over with and a new year will be dawning upon us.

We can only hope for a better one than the last. Yes, we still have hope and that's the one thing I can cling to.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I write this particular blog with many emotions and feelings.

In less than two months time...I will be turning 50 years old. I thought at least by this time in my life...I would at least be in some sort of relationship.

Yes...I have dated some. It has been many years...and they usually never amounted to anything deep. One was actually a blind date...set up by my insurance agent. We only went out that one time. It was pleasant enough...and he was polite, etc.

There was this one guy...who wanted to see me every night. Now, that was just a little bit too eager for me. He also drank and smoked right in my face mind you. This was actually a guy from church.

I am right here telling all of you...that there are no guarantees...what kind of person you will meet...even in a church setting.

I guess for me... a spontaneous happening would be the best kind. I have been single for so long.

Believe me, I know all the right things to say. Like when someone asks you...where is your husband? I usually just tell them, that he hasn't shown up yet. I get rid of a lot of pesky phone calls this way. I recently met with my financial planner...and I told him the same thing. He actually got quite a chuckle out of it.

Now...I also am here to tell you, that I am comfortable with who I am. I have been told that my best feature is my nose..and that I look pretty good for my age. In fact..people usually never believe me...when I tell them how old I am. I simply don't look my age.

I'm also here to tell you...that I get very lonely at times. It would be nice to be able to go out for dinner and a movie...a long drive or a walk.

Holidays are especially tough for me..because every where you look..there are couples every where enjoying the festivities...which is just another reminder, that one more year has passed and I am still alone.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself here. I am just expressing some feelings, that I have felt for a very long time.

I also probably am somewhat particular in the type of person...I would desire to have as...first and foremost as a friend, and then if the fates would allow...a possible lifetime partner. I also would like to have the joy of knowing what real dating is really like. I have never been to a fancy restaurant or had a romantic evening of any kind.

I am also going to write something here that is very very personal to me. I have never been with a man intimately that is. Yes, I am a VIRGIN. I have nothing to be ashamed of here, as some would probably think otherwise. I said, this was very difficult to write.

I had an experience with a guy once..and we only had one date. He was just way too pushy and eager. He didn't even know me. He just kept saying..that we would let nature take it's course. I made it pretty plain to him..that I had no intentions of doing this until I was married. He said...he had never met a gal like me. I just didn't feel comfortable with him...and I told him so. He was just too aggressive, for my liking.

Now, you are probably thinking to yourself, how do I have the right to act this way? I realize, this is not the norm.

I feel that I have waited this long...that I have and deserve the very best when it comes to a relationship...that being a man who will see me for who I am and respect me.

I have a lot to offer. I am not talking about sex here. I am a kind, generous person, who only wants to know the joy of knowing and experiencing some kind of friendship, relationship with the opposite sex.

I told you...that this was very personal for me. I just don't wish to be alone for the rest of my life.

I've been told..that when you least expect can come to you.

I'm here to tell you...that I haven't given up on that DREAM just yet.